(Or At Least More Often)

Many women quietly worry that something is “wrong” with them because orgasms feel rare, difficult, or impossible. You are not broken. Your body is not failing. Orgasms are a skill, and like any skill, they get easier with information, practice, patience, and kindness toward yourself.

What You’ll Learn In This Orgasm Guide

This article is an introductory chapter to understanding your pleasure. It focuses on helping you:

• Understand the basics of how orgasms work in female bodies.
• Explore your own body gently through self-touch.
• Recognise mental blocks that can get in the way of orgasm.
• Learn about simple tools (like vibrators) that can support your pleasure.

If you currently struggle to orgasm during sex or masturbation, this guide is meant to give you a foundation: how to start, what to expect, and how to remove some of the pressure and shame that often sits on top of pleasure.

Other Chapters You Might Explore Later

In your app or on your blog, you can connect this chapter to more specific guides, such as:

• Clitoral Self-Touch Techniques – simple, beginner-friendly ways to explore your clitoris and external vulva.
• Internal Pleasure & Penetration – how to experiment with fingers or toys inside the vagina, at your own pace.
• Finding Your G-Spot – what it is, where it tends to be, and how to know if you enjoy that sensation.
• Squirting & Fluid Release – a neutral, non-hyped explanation of squirting for people who are curious.
• Using Vibrators & Toys Safely – how to choose and clean toys, and how to include them with a partner.
• More Clitoral Stimulation During Sex – positions and ideas to help your partner involve your clitoris more.
• What People Call “Vaginal Orgasms” – how internal pleasure works, and why “vaginal vs clitoral” is often a false choice.

You don’t have to read everything at once. Start where your curiosity is strongest.

Your Anatomy: Where Pleasure Often Lives

Every body is different, but there are a few areas that many people with vulvas find especially sensitive:

• Clitoris: A sensitive organ made of erectile tissue. The part you see externally (a small “button” above the vaginal opening) is just the tip; it branches internally around the vaginal canal. For many women, this is the most reliable route to orgasm.
• Labia (inner & outer lips): The folds of skin around your vaginal opening. These can be sensitive to touch, warmth, pressure and movement.
• G-spot region: An area inside the vagina, usually on the front wall a few centimetres in, that may feel slightly textured or different. Some people love this sensation, others don’t.
• A-spot region: Deeper inside, near the front of the cervix. Some women report deep, full sensations here; others feel nothing or discomfort. Both are normal.

Your job is not to “find the one magic button.” It’s to explore with curiosity and notice what actually feels good in your body, even if it doesn’t match what you’ve seen or heard elsewhere.

How To Make Yourself Orgasm (More Easily)

Before we talk about technique, there are two big truths:

1. You do not need to orgasm on command to be “normal”.
2. It’s usually easier to learn to orgasm alone first, then bring that knowledge into partnered sex.

Step 1: Set Up A Comfortable Space

It’s hard to relax into pleasure when your brain is in “to-do list” mode. Give yourself a bit of time and privacy if you can:

• Have a shower or bath if that helps you feel fresh.
• Choose lighting that feels cosy (lamp, fairy lights, dimmed bulb).
• Wear whatever makes you feel safest or sexiest: a big T-shirt, pyjamas, lingerie, or nothing.
• Put your phone on silent if constant notifications stress you.

You are allowed to create a small, soft moment just for yourself. It doesn’t have to be fancy.

Step 2: Start Away From Your Genitals

Instead of going straight to your clitoris, begin with slower, non-sexual touch:

• Stroke your arms, stomach, thighs, hips or breasts over or under your clothes.
• Notice what kinds of touch feel pleasant: light, firm, circling, squeezing, still.
• Breathe a bit deeper and slower than usual; let your belly relax.

This is “warm-up” for your nervous system. There’s no rush.

Step 3: External Genital Touch (Clitoris & Vulva)

When you feel a little warm, curious or tingly, you can let your hand wander towards your vulva.

• Place your hand over your underwear or a thin cloth first, if direct touch feels too intense or shy.
• Gently press or rub over the mound above your vulva, then the lips and area above the vaginal opening.
• As you get more aroused, you may want to slip your hand inside your underwear and touch skin-to-skin.

Your clitoris is usually located just above the vaginal opening, covered by a small hood of skin. Many women find it more comfortable to touch around or slightly to the side or above the clitoris instead of directly on the tip, especially at first.

Experiment with:

• Different pressures: very light, medium, a bit firmer.
• Different movements: circles, up-and-down strokes, side-to-side, gentle tapping, or just steady pressure.
• Different speeds: slow, steady and rhythmic vs a bit faster when you feel close to orgasm.

There is no single “correct” way. The right way is whatever combination makes your body go, “Yes, more of that.”

Step 4: Stay With What Feels Good

As pleasure builds, you might notice:

• Tension or fullness low in your belly.
• Breathing getting deeper or faster.
• Muscles in your thighs, butt or pelvic floor clenching and relaxing.

When you find a stroke or movement that feels really nice, try staying with it instead of constantly switching. Many women accidentally “reset” their arousal by changing things too often just as they’re about to peak.

You might feel a wave rising, then fading a bit, then rising again. That’s normal. If at any point the sensation becomes too intense or uncomfortable, you can slow down, change your touch, or stop completely. Consent with yourself also matters.

“I Can’t Orgasm – Please Help”

If orgasms feel impossible, you are far from alone. There’s a big mental and emotional piece to this, not just physical touch. Here are some common blocks and gentle ways to work with them.

1. General Stress & Overwhelm

When your brain is full of money worries, family issues, deadlines, or health concerns, your nervous system is often in “survival mode,” not “pleasure mode.” It can be very hard to switch gears.

Supportive ideas:

• See orgasm as one possible way to release stress, not another thing to add to your stress list.
• Even 5–10 minutes of slow breathing, stretching, or a warm shower before touching yourself can help.
• If your life is in constant crisis, prioritise support: therapy, medical care, rest, boundaries around work where possible.

2. Pressure To “Achieve” An Orgasm

When you’re focused on “I must orgasm right now or I’ve failed,” your body often tightens up instead of relaxing into pleasure. Studies suggest that worrying about orgasm can actually make orgasm harder and slower.

Supportive ideas:

• For a while, give yourself “practice sessions” where orgasm is not the goal; pleasure, curiosity and relaxation are.
• Remind yourself: “Even if I don’t orgasm, this time exploring my body still counts.”
• Notice sensations (warmth, tingling, pleasure) without judging them as “enough” or “not enough.”

3. Performing For A Partner

With a partner, many women feel watched, judged, or responsible for the other person’s ego. That pressure can make it nearly impossible to let go.

Supportive ideas:

• Practice alone first, so you know what your body likes without an audience.
• Have honest, non-sexual conversations about sex: explain that sometimes you want touch with zero pressure to orgasm.
• Remind yourself that your partner may also feel performance pressure around erection, stamina, or technique.

4. Body Image & Self-Criticism

It’s hard to feel free in your body when your inner voice is constantly criticising your stomach, thighs, stretch marks, scars or weight.

Supportive ideas:

• Try focusing on sensation (“This touch feels warm/soft/intense”) rather than appearance while you explore.
• Use sheets, dim lighting, or clothes if being fully exposed makes you freeze — you don’t owe anyone full nudity.
• Practice small acts of neutrality: “This is my body today. It’s allowed to feel pleasure as it is.”

5. Sexual Shame Or Past Negative Experiences

Religious messaging, cultural attitudes, trauma, or past partners who shamed your desire can all sit inside you and whisper, “This is dirty,” or “You shouldn’t enjoy this.” That weight can shut your body down.

Supportive ideas:

• Notice when shame thoughts appear and gently label them: “That’s shame, not truth.”
• Seek trauma-informed therapy if painful experiences are intruding into your sex life.
• Read or follow voices that frame female pleasure as normal, healthy and worthy of care.

6. Not Knowing Your Own Body Yet

No one is born knowing exactly how they like to be touched. It’s learned over time. Many women skip the step of exploring alone and then feel lost with a partner.

Supportive ideas:

• Try different hand positions, pressures, rhythms, and locations on your vulva.
• Make mental notes of what feels “meh”, “nice”, and “wow”.
• Later, you can use words, guiding hands, or gentle feedback to teach a partner what you’ve discovered.

Orgasm Aids: Toys, Fantasy & More

You do not have to use toys or extras, but they can be very helpful, especially if you’ve been struggling for a long time.

Vibrators

Vibrators provide consistent, focused stimulation that many hands can’t easily match. Research suggests vibrator users often report better sexual function and more satisfaction.

Tips:

• Start with a small, external vibrator (a “bullet” or small wand) for clitoral and vulva stimulation.
• Use lube to make everything more comfortable.
• Begin on the lowest setting and work upward only if you want more intensity.

Dildos & Internal Toys

If you enjoy a sense of fullness or penetration, a dildo or internal vibrator can help you explore that more comfortably than fingers alone.

• Choose body-safe materials (silicone, stainless steel, etc.).
• Always use lubrication to protect your tissues.
• Move slowly and stop if you feel sharp pain or strong discomfort.

Fantasy & Mental Arousal

Many women find that their mind is just as important as their body when it comes to orgasm. Fantasy is normal and personal.

• You can fantasise about past experiences, imagined scenarios, characters from books or films, or completely make-believe situations.
• Erotic audio, sensual stories, or romantic scenes can help your mind “switch on.”
• Having a rich fantasy life doesn’t mean you’re unhappy with your real partner; it’s simply one more tool.

What Comes Next?

This first chapter is meant to reassure you that:

• Difficulty orgasming is common and fixable.
• Your pleasure is worth time, effort and care.
• There is no “one right way” — only what works for your body.

From here, you might explore more specific guides such as:

• Beginner Clitoral Techniques – step-by-step suggestions for external pleasure.
• Internal Pleasure & Fingering – how to explore inside the vagina if you want to.
• Using Vibrators Confidently – choosing, cleaning, and experimenting with toys.
• Bringing Your Partner Into Your Orgasm Journey – how to communicate, ask for what you need, and release performance pressure together.

Your body is allowed to feel good. You are allowed to take up space in bed. Orgasms are not a test you pass; they’re an experience you can grow into, one gentle step at a time.